From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett (opens in new tab) wrote Crapshoot, a column about rolling the dice to expose random games. This week the other defining Christmas film of this time. At least, his time. He saw it in the cinema when it came out. (Turns out he’s getting depressingly old.)
It’s amazing what a difference a sequel makes. In Home Alone, Hollywood presented the ultimate childhood fantasy without a Nintendo handing out chocolate: a movie about freedom, good times, and ridiculously complicated cartoon traps brought to life in a war that is still talked about in movie history even today. as “Joe Pesci vs. The Swear Jar”.
Then Home Alone 2 happened, proving quite effectively that Kevin McCallister wasn’t so much a smart kid in a bad place as more of a fun-loving serial killer in training. Wow. A blowtorch was bad enough, but one arc welder? It is a miracle The good son (opens in new tab) was not officially Home Alone: Part 3. However, according to Hollywood law, every movie must become a game. How did this fare?
Surprisingly good actually. I know. I am also shocked. To be clear, that doesn’t mean this is a good game. It’s not. It is So not. Even at the time, that wasn’t the case, with scores in the lower half of the bell curve. However, when it comes to looking back on movie licenses, you have to use different criteria. Like it That hard last week it’s really more about how they use the movie to make something different than whether that experience lives up to the best of the best.
Or indeed, the most mediocre of the meh.
In what I doubt will come as much of a shock, the structure of the game is more about traps than something like, say, Gone Home. There’s a lot of dripping water next to stairs, not much in the way of making silly faces after using aftershave or revealing the secrets of your sister’s developing sexuality. This is pretty standard for Home Alone games, the most famous of which (“famous” is admittedly a little strong), because it’s the festering pile of 8-bit errors that the NES version (opens in new tab)or the 16-bit abomination that the SNES version (opens in new tab) (based on the Gameboy one (opens in new tab)to make sure every platform can share the humiliation)
They all have a few similarities, they are set in a side-scrolling house where you fight the crooks. However, the PC/Amiga versions are the bravest and try to replicate what happened in the movie, only Kevin vs. Harry and Marv with traps, instead of wiping out the Wet Bandits with more goons, adding free platforms or giving Kevin a gun. Granted, we’re talking about things like a water pistol and a slingshot, but still.
The NES version also focused entirely on traps, but… not very well. It was more about the idea of dropping a trap than actually setting one, with the burglars falling over willingly but not quite transmitting the power and blood that fuels Kevin’s growing demonic core and will one day lead to the rise of Akakatkakakakateshikalonika and the prophesied destruction of all flesh.
One of the best things about the PC version is that it offers preparation time. It starts at 8pm and gives an hour of in-game time to run around and find the pieces you need to trap, and to… uh… set the traps. Like in the movie, it doesn’t seem like the best idea, but since this is a movie series that recommends kids befriend crazy pigeon ladies and that every creepy adult is a potential comrade in arms waiting for a kid to help them open up . we probably shouldn’t use it as a textbook for life.
Once it’s 9pm, Harry and Marv enter the house and begin a search-and-destroy mission. They move fast and act like Kevin-seeking missiles, where just one touch means death. They also have Bugs Bunny levels of bounce where each fall is just a notch on Kevin’s belt, kind of like in the movie.
Traps are largely set up by solving puzzles, such as using a garden hose outside the front door to place a slippery puddle in front of some steps or heavy paint cans above doors. More than 20 can be found. Once the timer runs out, all that’s left to do is painstakingly trap the crooks until they’ve received enough punishment to not get up again, and victory and a movie career are up for grabs for Kevin.
There really isn’t much more to say about it. It’s a simple premise weighed down by a few things, like the graphics that aren’t quite good enough to make the injuries funny, a lack of randomness that doesn’t leave much to discover after a while, and most notably the name Capstone on the box.
Capstone is one of those companies whose catalog was not so much a list of titles as a rap sheet. Among their highlights were the shooter based on William Shatner’s TekWar, a game from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and, demonstrating the kind of license-picking skill that probably explains why no one has ever heard of it, The Beverly Hillbillies. Of all the games that didn’t need to exist.
Oh. And speaking of games that didn’t need to exist…
The original Home Alone may not have been great… or even rubbish… but at least it was a little defensible . For the time. A little. The sequel, not so much. Instead of playing evil mastermind, which is always fun, this one sees Kevin constantly on the run with the Wet Bandits in hot pursuit. Steamy chase, probably.
The first stage shows what a staggeringly bad idea this is, as Kevin runs past about a million adults, completely oblivious to the tiny terrified child who picks up trash can lids and throws them at the two grown men right behind them in an obvious state of suffocation . rage, not even pausing to try to sell him a banana peel or complain as he picks up handfuls of gems to hurl at his pursuers.
Each level continues in the same vein, through the hotel, the toy store and the second horror house, with traps replaced with just desperately grabbing for things and leaving them behind. You do get an inventory of items, of course, but there’s no tactical element and no satisfaction. It’s like Harry and Marv were imported from the Terminator license, just like this lady clearly came from another game.
It’s the most half-hearted take on the movie imaginable, except Kevin just sits down in front of a TV and just watches it. Levels flat-out repeat, only in reverse. The closest thing to showing the plot comes by popping up some pictures that remind you that Tim Curry was in it. Everything you do everything you dobecomes running away from Harry and Marv, presses one button to pick up junk and another to throw it at them, or throws things on the floor that slow them down for a second or three.
That is it. That’s the whole game. Sure, those things are sometimes peas from dinner at the hotel that are somehow slippery (try that on carpet; see how it works). Sometimes they are ballistic toilet rolls. However, they all do exactly the same thing.
The only real challenge is that the screen is so small and the characters match so well in terms of speed that if you’re on the wrong horizontal level, you’re screwed. You have absolutely no time to move up or down and even the smallest mistake is usually enough for the crooks to close the gap. It is horrible, with the only thing to say in its favor is that it’s also mercifully short. I heard that when it was released Santa liked to give this to the naughty kids instead of coal.
However, how does it compare to the console versions? Again, it was very different with the NES version a ridiculously surreal approach to things (opens in new tab)and the Sega apparently mistaken Kevin for an action hero (opens in new tab). It does, however, have the really nice closing lyric: “Mom, I knew you’d find me by the giant Christmas tree. This is my girlfriend, the pigeon lady! Can we go home now?”
The spirit of Christmas, right there. Hello, new friend! Enjoy dying alone in the cold!
“Capstone: The Pinnacle of Entertainment Software” indeed. Presumably “The Pyramid Of Poop” has been taken, or the creative genius who thought the company could get away with such a claim, disappeared under mysterious circumstances before releasing the most boring shooter of all time: “Corridor 7”.
Brrr.
And that is, if I can trust my calendar, another year full of Crapshoot in the bag. Thanks for following me, and I look forward to seeing you in the new year for more ridiculously long looks at obscure games and a little more in-depth fun with the good, the bad, the obscure, and the most justifiably forgotten.
And that’s it for me this year. I hope you had a merry Christmas/other festival/entirely secular yet enjoyable break from work, and a happy new year next week. Catch you next year!